


The Wife Swap

by casstayinmyass



Category: Marilyn Manson (Band), Ozzy Osbourne (Musician)
Genre: F/M, Friendship/Love, Humor, Romance, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22570780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: Manson and Ozzy devise a plan to swap Dita and Sharon for the day, and realize all the little things they love about their significant others as a result.
Relationships: Marilyn Manson/Dita Von Teese, Marilyn Manson/Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne/Dita Von Teese, Ozzy Osbourne/Sharon Osbourne
Kudos: 11





	The Wife Swap

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! (Fliiiies are waaaaitingggg...) This is based on some interview, I forget which, where Marilyn mentioned Ozzy suggesting a "wife swap." This is a "what if they did...?"
> 
> Also, get better soon, Ozzy <3

Manson sat with Ozzy, discussing the prospect of his future. They had been discussing their significant others over their drinks of choice—Ozzy with vodka, and Manson with absinthe. The latter taps his red fingernails along the armchair.

"Dita’s special. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’m actually _happy_." 

"Mmhm?" Ozzy smiles.

“Yeah, I mean we have our ups and downs, but I get this really gross warm feeling when I think of her. I think I’m sick, Oz.”

"Lovesick.”

“Don’t say that word.”

“Yeah. I love my Sharon more 'n the world... I, I don't know wha I'd do without her." 

"Sharon's great."

"So is Dita, yeah." Ozzy pauses for a moment, then clutches the side of his chair as if he’s just seen Armageddon. "What if we... wife swapped, on Valentine's Day?" Manson chuckles, but you never know if it's a joke or not with Ozzy. He notices the older musician is serious, and drops his smile.

"I don't think that'd be a very good idea."

"No c'mon, think about it, eh... three days, we switch em."

"What, arranged marriage style?"

"Yeah."

"They don't have any say in this."

"No!"

"Oz, you're off your rocker! They'll kill us."

"Death threats are no match for the two of us."

“No not threats, just death.”

“That too.”

"Look. It sounds fun, but it’s dangerous."

Ozzy grins, laughing his signature crazy cackle. "Who'd ya think you're talkin' to, mate?!"

Manson smirks for a second. The two of them sharing ideas was always dangerous, there was no escaping that. Finally, the younger man concedes. "Okay. Sure. Why not? You get Dita for a day, I get Sharon for a day."

"Perfect."

"And no sex!" Ozzy seems genuinely disappointed by that rule, and honestly? So does Manson.

\---

"You're what?!" Dita shouts, voice nearly reaching the pitch of a dog whistle. Manson tries to ignore how pretty she looks when angry, that voluminous black hair bouncing in her scrunched up face.

"Sweetheart, it's only for one day. We thought it'd be fun!"

"And you didn't think to ask us?!"

"Nah, we're doing it the old fashioned, arranged marriage way." Manson ducks a stiletto being thrown at his head. "I knew you'd be mad, so I came prepared." He takes out a small bag from La Vie en Rose, and after mild hesitation, Dita takes it. She opens up the tissue inside and finds a new black lingerie set... one with roses stitched in, that she'd been eyeing for weeks. She holds it to her chest, huffing.

"I like Ozzy, you know. That's not what this is about."

"I know." Manson bites his lip, willing to say whatever he has to to get his wife into that new lingerie. "Princess, I know you're mine. I am so yours. But it's just a little fun. I know you'll do it for me. Hm? You're still my little girl."

Dita blushes slightly, and lifts her chin, strutting off to the bathroom to change.

"I'm still your little girl."

\---

Sharon sighs, resting her chin on her fist. "Bloody hell. Why am I not surprised you've done this?"

"Whatdya mean?"

"Oh, Ozzy. You know perfectly well what I mean. Goodness, wife swapping! You two shouldn't be allowed near one another when you drink!"

"It was my idea, not 'is."

Sharon shakes her head. "That is why I'm not surprised!”

"So you'll do it?" Ozzy stands, and begins to rub his wife's neck, moving the massage down to her back.

"Now, I never said that. You didn't think to ask Dita what she thought of all this, I suppose." 

"'S not how this works."

"Right, right, I'd forgotten. Silly me, forgetting the rules of marriage swapping."

"It's only for a day, love," Ozzy whispers, trailing his hands down, "Then you're mine all over again."

"Oh Ozzy," Sharon smiles in amusement, turning back to hold his hand, "I'm yours no matter what."

\---

So, it was decided. The wife swap would be today. Valentine's Day, the day of romantic gestures, and... this. Ridiculous idea really, but there was no stopping it.

Manson welcomes Sharon with open arms, grinning widely as she walks over to him. "No funny business, Marilyn," she laughs. "I've got my eye on you." He picks her up, swinging the poor short woman around as she yelps.

"No funny business," he agrees, slapping her ass. Sharon's eyes go wide, and she starts to laugh.

“You bloody dog, you’re just as bad as Ozzy!”

Dita saunters over to Ozzy, taking his arm. "Are you ready for the best day of your life?" she asks, smirking. Ozzy swallows.

"I-I don't think I am, no."

"Okay, wave good-bye," Manson shouts, starting to drag Sharon away.

"Good-bye good-bye, loves!" Sharon waves, and Dita blows her husband a kiss as she leads Ozzy in the opposite direction.

"Alright then, sweetie," Sharon says, "What's a day in the life of Marilyn Manson look like, then?" She pats his hand, and Manson pats her hand back.

"First of all, if we're gonna do this, you gotta stop acting like my mom."

"I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry dear. The mum thing is a bit of a habit."

"Here's what I do when I'm not on tour..." He takes out his flip up cell to dial his driver, "I don't care if it's a holiday. I go home, close all my curtains like Count Orlock, put on a movie, and get shit hammered."

"Wh-- what does Dita think of all that?!" 

"It doesn't matter what Dita thinks of all that, because Dita's not here right now, follow me."

_"Marilyn--!"_

\--

"Unfortunately, even though it's Valentine's, I've got a runway rehearsal today," Dita tells Ozzy, walking beside him on his arm, "Fancy coming along?"

"I've never been to one of those. Does Manson usually go?”

“He likes to, yes. He says it gives him creative inspiration,” she smiles fondly.

“Well, alright. Sounds like a good time, yeah." Dita dials the driver.

"Yes, hello. Happy V day to you as well, Derek. Oh, you're picking up my husband?" She sighs. "Fine. I'll call a taxi service." When they get to the auditorium of the Orpheum theatre in downtown LA, Ozzy looks around.

"What the fuck do I do?"

Dita holds in a laugh. "Just do what I do, honey. Smile and wave."

"Mr. Osbourne!" the fashion director greets, "I didn't know you'd be coming along today to support our Dita!"

"I didn't know it either," Ozzy mentions. Dita just smiles.

"Come on, Ozzy. We'll get you a seat up front to watch."

\---

At the Manson household, a large gothic mansion in the Hollywood hills, the tall brunette and short redhead arrive at the front gates.

"I love your home so much," Sharon says, "I know I say it whenever I come here, but I do!"

"Thanks. We really made it ours with the decorating guys."

"Definitely. Very vampiric. Very you."

Manson smiles, and lets the redhead in. The house is messy, at least in his spots Dita hasn't bothered to even attempt organizing, but that's just how he likes it. He heads to the parlor, and pulls open a wooden drawer, taking out a bag.

"Marilyn!" Sharon admonishes, "What exactly is that?"

"Aw, like you don't have the stuff coming out of every nook and cranny at your house."

"At least Ozzy has the self respect to hide it from me!" She takes the bag as the tall rock star glares, and goes off to hide it in the kitchen. "Just imagine what Dita would think."

"I don't have to imagine, I know what she thinks. I hear about it every night and day."

"Good. She's only looking out for your welfare, you know."

"An afternoon of narcotics would aid my welfare, Sharon."

He smirks. She laughs, waving her hand. "Oh Marilyn, you're just too much!"

\---

Ozzy sits down in his front row seat in the empty theatre, looking at the catwalk and twiddling his thumbs. Dita's backstage, and honestly, he doesn't know what to do with himself. Does he clap? This is just a rehearsal, right? Should he even be looking? Does Manson take notes, write down which pairs of shoes he’s going to steal from his wife later?

Dita comes out, wearing something that looks like a cherry tree on her head in heels that are impossibly high.

"What's that you've got on your head?!" Ozzy calls out, squinting over his sunglasses. Dita blinks, thrown off guard. She’s unaccustomed to being interrupted during her practice walk.

"It's a hat, Oz."

"Really. I wonder if Sharon wants a hat like that... you look lovely, my dear, just lovely. Reminds me of my birthday party, y'know the one... I had your knickers on my head..."

Dita has to smile to herself as she turns at the end of the walk. It’s going to be a long, interesting rehearsal.

\---

The afternoon sun shines high outside as Sharon looks down to see a text from Dita.

"Excuse me half a mo, sweetie," she says to Manson, and heads out to the gardens.

_\- How are things going with you?_

Sharon takes out her reading glasses to type back, squinting at the keys.

_\- Very crazy, love-- I don't know how you keep Marilyn under control!_

_\- He doesn't much let me._

_\- If only mine was as, shall we say, independent! How's Ozzy behaving?_

_\- Same old Ozzy. He's in good hands, don't worry._

_\- I'm sure he is_ _J_

_\- But something's on my mind._

_\- What is it?_

_\- I think we need to get back at the boys for this, don't you?_

_\- Hm. I like the way you think dear._

_\- Tonight, 8 pm. Chateau Marmont, room 616. Send my husband in, and wait outside._

_\- We'll be there! *sheep emoji*_

_Oops, that was supposed to be- *grinning devil emoji*_

Sharon goes back in, to find that Manson has snatched his contraband materials back from the shelf. Perks of being tall.

\---

That night, Ozzy and Dita arrive at the Chateau at 7:45 PM.

"I just love it here," Ozzy says, "I remember I brought Sharon here for an anniversary of… something. She looked so beautiful.”

“I come here with Brian too a lot,” Dita smiles wistfully, forgetting for a moment she was still actually married to the man, “One night, Hunter S. Thompson threw a dinner roll at me. Brian sorted that out with a few choice words and what turned out to be a very bloody fight.”

“Is that why there’s a hole in the wall up there in the bar?”

“Yes it is.”

“I-I remember the night I was here with Sharon. She went to the bathroom, so I snorted a… a line of eh, what's that green stuff you get with sushi?"

"Wasabi?" Dita frowns.

"Fucking wasabi, I snorted it... an... and I fell into the pool, felt like my brain had lit on fire or som’ing."

"Well. You won't be falling into the pool tonight," Dita links her arm with his as they make their entrance. "I’ve got something very special planned.”

\---

"What are we doing here?" Manson asks, as the car pulls up. "I mean, I'm not complaining. I love Chateau Marmont. But what's all this about?"

"Oh, just a little Valentine's surprise for my “new” husband," Sharon teases. "Even if you are bloody insufferable. How does Dita _do_ it?"

"I ask myself that everyday. I bring Dita here a lot,” Manson says, “I brought her here the night we met, after a show. We couldn’t stop talking.”

“I’m glad _you_ have good experiences here. All I remember is Ozzy sniffing horseradish paste and making the poor pool boys work overtime.” Sharon smiles. “I love him to death, all the same.”

"I still think we should've stayed home, though. You know, reenacted that great phone sex we had--"

"I am not on medication this time, you naughty boy. I wanted to get you out of the house anyway.”

They go inside, and Manson checks his pockets. "Aw, I forgot my smoke bombs."

"Your what?"

"I like to make an entrance, you know that."

"Oh, you!"

\---

At 7:50, Dita leads Ozzy upstairs.

"What are we doing up here?" Ozzy starts to smile boyishly.

"I know the rules of the swap," Dita smiles, "But I think we can break a few, don’t you?" Ozzy's eyebrows shoot up, and Dita opens the door to room 616.

“I-I’m all about rule breaking.”

"You wait in there and get those pants off... I'll be in in just a moment, okay honey?"

"Oh... Okay, love..." Ozzy nods, and sits on the edge of the bed. He stares at an impressionist painting in front of him, until all the colours start to blend together.

\---

At precisely 8pm, Sharon knocks on 616 lightly.

"I'm ready!" Ozzy calls from inside, and Sharon, holding back laughter, beckons Marilyn to join her from the end of the hall.

"Now you just go wait in there, sweetheart. I'll be in in a minute with the surprise."

Manson gives her a weird look, but does as she says and goes in. She quickly closes the door and locks it from the outside.

"What the fuck is this?" Manson blurts. Ozzy's sitting on the edge of the bed with his pants down.

"It's a hotel room, mate," Ozzy responds, still staring ahead at the painting. Manson rubs his temples, glancing down at his friend’s underwear.

"Holy shit Ozzy, you're packing."

"Yeh, well... you sound fucking surprised..."

Manson groans, and collapses back on the bed. "Guess the girls got their revenge."

"Guess they did. We knew it was coming. Was fun while it lasted though."

"Hey. Maybe we can squeeze in our own bit of revenge."

"Whatdya mean?"

"Quit staring at the painting of the goats and look at me. Here's what we're gonna do."

Outside the room, Dita and Sharon giggle. "Locked in there all night alone together," Sharon laughs, "It's a nightmare!" Dita opens up a heart shaped box of chocolates, and offers one to Sharon. 

"Serves them right. Although I will say, it was fun while it lasted."

"Yes, it was a bit, wasn't it?" They listen in through the door for all the moaning and groaning over their situation... but hear a different kind of moaning instead.

"Oh, Oz... yeah!"

"Mar... Marilyn... that is absolutely marvelous!"

"Ozzy, holy hell, I knew you were good, but I didn’t think you were _this_ good!"

"I'm the motherfucking prince of darkness for a reason you know, I'm fucking amazing at this!"

Manson lets loose the dirtiest moan the two had ever heard, and the girls look at one another. Sharon's lips part.

"Are they...? Actually?!"

"I want to watch," Dita smiles, and they turn the door handle. There, they find their husbands, sitting innocently at the table with the minibar cracked open and a couple dozen little bottles lined up.

"Oh, hello ladies," Ozzy says, downing a shot of rum, "Something the matter?" Manson shoots a tiny bottle of vodka.

"Come on over and join the orgy. Things are just heating up."

Dita and Sharon give up and shut the hotel room door, heading over to drink Valentine's night away with them. What else is there to do when stuck with these two wonderful idiots? 


End file.
